Sadly, I have not been as attentive to updating this diary as I would have liked. And, it is largely for the benefit of consolidating my own thought processes and consigning mainly difficult moments to history, so in theory, it should help to do it more...
I have struggled on with my part-time mothering and full-time working, always with the view in sight that it would end. Soon. (the full-time work, I mean...) 2 months to go and I feel like I never want to do it again. There have even been times that I have questioned my choice of vocation and all the training and expense that has gone by for it all. I find myself, 34 years old, theoretically in my prime but feeling distinctly past it sometimes. A chronic tiredness seeping into my core. That all sounds so negative, because most days, I love what I do. I just can't do it all and remain in charge of myself at the same time.
So, with changes on the horizon, I could rephrase my negative thinking to sound like:
1) A new job to look forward to, close to the family home, just 2.5 days a week with a comfortable and achievable contract.
2) Moving home again - returning to Liverpool to, once again, live in the family home, as a family, so no more ridiculous travelling for Raj...
And, most importantly,
3) A new baby, due on New Year's Eve
Afraid of the uncertainties about the job, about the stress of moving again, and returning to a neighbourhood riddled with antisociality and low aspirations, sometimes the prospects are overwhelming.
So, I must challenge myself not to be afraid.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! We get to do this together this time! Have you read The Gentle Method by Dr Motha? I think you might like it.
ReplyDeleteYou have done an amazing job sticking to your guns despite some pretty big challenges along the way. Part-time work will no doubt be a welcome relief from your grueling schedule of the last few years.
The job will sort itself out...Britain needs dentists. The move will happen and most likely without any hitches (you don't have to find a place to live in Liverpool, after all), and will just be that much easier if you can let go of any associated fears. And while there may be disadvantages to moving back to Liverpool, being together again as a family must far outweigh all of those.
I think you owe yourself a little break on the worry front. You've done very well under trying circumstances, and there is no reason to think you won't continue to be amazing. Hopefully you can let all that go (at least for a little while) and allow yourself to settle relatively blissfully into a more domestic, quiet pace of life.
Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. xx