Good boy

 At dinnertime, my son remarked to me that he was a good boy because he'd eaten most of his dinner.  I suppose I should not have been all that surprised about his remark because I have yet to find anyone in childcare who does not use this kind of praise, and, I sometimes catch my husband offering it up when he wants William to comply with a request (or perhaps wants him to store up the potential reward for complying with a future request).  It sparked off a brief but interesting conversation between us about motivation and what makes us feel good when we do certain things.  What do we really mean when we make such statements?

Rather clumsily, I suggested to William that eating all his food up did not make him a good boy, but it would help him grow and be healthy and then, when he began to look crestfallen, hastened to add that we think he is a good person inside whether or not the food gets eaten.  Apparently, in nursery school, someone said (or actually probably says on a regular basis),"Good boy!" when he helps out at tidy-up time.  So, I asked him if it feels better when someone says "Good boy!" or instead, "Thank you for helping me tidy up, that makes my job easier." (or something similar) at tidy-up time.  At first, he was a bit confused, as I hadn't done such a good job myself of framing the abstract in a way that a 4 year-old could immediately grasp.  I was aware that this was a valuable moment for me because William himself had presented it, in the context of his own experience, so I wanted to get behind his thoughts and really understand his motivation before that moment was lost.

I wanted to rephrase the question without it sounding loaded.  I'm not sure if I managed completely, but I believe I found a better way of asking because he appeared to think about it for a moment or two before responding with the latter "Thank you (etc)".  And then the moment was gone and I sat wondering if, after his experiences of this kind of praise, he is learning to become a 'little pleaser' and wanted to say what he thought I might've wanted to hear.  If that makes any sense.

In my heart, I want my children (well, at least my 4 year-old, for now) to find the intrinsic value in performing a task, or complying with a request (although I fully expect that not all requests will be complied with) and not to comply just because of the offer of such external reward and approval.  Under this precept, I am often challenged into questioning myself about whether the request was reasonable or maybe sometimes just a bit frivolous.  Naturally, I feel inconvenienced by his lack of compliance at times, and also the opposite when he does comply.  It certainly makes for an interesting amount of give and take. 

Some old-fashioned phrases to watch out for:

"Now there's a good boy/girl" [pat, pat] (I want you to do this because it is convenient for me)
"Do as you're told!" (I am the authority and you have no say)
"Do as you're told, or else...!" (adding additional threat)
"Because I said so!" (I am the highest authority and you have no say)
"If you're really good, you can have..." (bribery at its best)
"Have you been a good boy/girl today?" (entrapment, adds shame, invites deceit)

For an interesting tale of bribery, greed, deceit and treachery, exploring the origins of this nursery rhyme made me smirk...  I'll leave it to your imaginations.

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said "What a good boy am I!"