Changes afoot

Well, I feel as though my plate has been fully loaded these past few weeks, what with our au pair deciding to return home and getting bogged down with 'coursework', or, Key Skills (KS1 Medical Emergencies) for this training post. No sooner is one piece submitted and another one should be on the way, and nevermind about completing the portfolio. However, not being one to do things by halves, I cannot ignore an unturned stone when writing these things. I just have to make sure I've covered every bit and provided some evidence for it. Time will tell whether it was overkill. At least I can hope for reaching the MJDF standard and so, have to make minimal adjustments to it later. If nothing else, it has been a good consolidation exercise, although I have to say I relish the same task for the next Key Skill, Cross-Infection Control, a good deal less.

Sylwia is returning to Poland to start a course in mid-December. 3 more weeks and mama will be returning to Devon to assist in December. We will be sad to see her go, although happy that she can move on to better things for herself. It has made me start looking for other childcare and I have been surprised to find 2 equally viable options locally and now just have to figure out the finances. I think au pair is going on hold for a while. Hopefully, it means William will finally get to meet some other little children and perhaps make friends. And most importantly, it looks like I might have found registered childcare that is prepared to listen to the things that are important to me and follow my philosophy in caring for William.

Meanwhile, I am awaiting confirmation from a dermatologist about a lesion on my leg which may be Bowen's disease. (Never use the NHS Choose and Book system: after 4 phone calls the other day it's too much hassle and doesn't give you the choice you want!) Having a precancerous lesion is somewhat sobering, although if it is Bowen's, hopeful at the same time.

Life is very full right now.

Milestones

William is nearly 3. In 5 days' time, we'll be celebrating. The last couple of months have seen him make the transition away from nappies to toilet independence. Apart from a minor diarrhoea episode a few weeks ago, the nappies are now sitting quietly in a box next to the sofa untouched. This has eased the task of laundry considerably. I think he enjoys this new ability, especially when it involves watching the cistern refill itself and trying to figure out where the water goes. As is customary in our family, he has also developed an unabashed sense of toilet humour.

I visited London this week, as part of my Foundation year, to visit the General Dental Council and to see a major dental trade exhibition yesterday. As this trip involved an overnight stay, I had originally planned to bring William and Sylwia, our au pair, with me, however booking the hotel room became so complicated and expensive, I took the decision to go alone. I prepared William for my absence over a few days, and the family pitched in to help out and provide some inducements and distractions: William was going to have dinner in the 'downstairs kitchen' on Thursday AND Friday with grandma and grandad, and grandma was going to sleep upstairs in our bed so he would not be alone. William has been used to me putting him to bed, although once or twice recently, grandma has been able to do this without fuss, so I felt relatively confident that things were going to be ok. The only potential drawback was Raj's absence, as I had originally envisaged that he would be there for William's first night without mummy, however, this did not seem to matter in the end. I think, as is probably often the case, I was more worried than William was.

My trip, in the end, was fantastic, I enjoyed it all, learned a lot, saw a lot at the exhibition and had a smooth and stress-free journey. The brief time away gave me a little bit of independence - I think this was what I appreciated above all else. The complete contrast of London to our present situation and the objectives of my journey gave me everything I needed to distract myself and reach a significant milestone in myself.

Country pursuits

Living in Devon is giving me many new experiences that city life just doesn't muster. Last weekend, for example, was my first attempt at clay pigeon shooting. Now, prior to this experience, I was not really a fan of guns, so this came as an eye-opener for me: firstly, I really enjoyed it, and then found I was quite good at it. Something definitely exciting about the crack of a shotgun, the recoil leaving a smart bruise on the inside of my right arm and the satisfaction of watching the clays disintegrate mid-air.

Of course, this experience led me on to thinking about how I would feel about killing a real animal. I enjoy eating meat, though as a family, we have made the conscious decision to eat meat only at weekends. I am painfully aware that there is a gross overconsumption of meat and in the western world, at significant cost to the environment. Part of my dream to live a self-sustainable way of life must then include either the production of meat or harvesting from a plentiful local supply if we are to continue eating it. I suppose also the satisfaction of providing a delicious meal for the family put together from vegetables and herbs grown in the garden or collected wild, and game caught by one's own hand fulfills a deeper human need, that connection with our food. Strangely, I now feel more ready to take that step than ever before.

For the present however, I shall content myself with eating fresh eggs laid by soon-to-be hens in our own back garden. Today's experience of an Exmoor farming auction was not one I shall soon forget. With the purpose of buying a hen house, my father-in-law, William and I went along and milled around outside among the lots with wizened, wiry-bearded, dusty farm folk. I couldn't help but notice the poor dental health of many of them. The hightlight has to have been the auctioneer, who, barely stopping for breath between his fast rhythmic chant, willed the bidders on with a gentle insistence like the commentator at a horse race. I have never seen so many flat caps and Land Rover Defenders in one place.

The hen house arrives tomorrow! ...and next week... HENS!

Communication I

Communication, as a concept, is something I have recently become intensely interested in. When I say recently, the interest really started in William's babyhood, especially concerning mother-infant interactions, and then mother-toddler. Now, the sphere expands to encompass the dentist-patient relationship, and with it, communication with the dental team.

I recently read Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication" and felt very inspired to adopt some of the principles into my everyday life, including communication with my family, colleagues and anyone in general. The principles are enlightening and refreshing, although potentially very challenging where close relationships are concerned. I say this because I carry so much baggage around concerning relationships with close family members that tends to get in the way of a completely free and peaceful interaction when viewpoints differ. I am sure this is true for many people.

I need to re-read the book for some reinforcement, since this style of communication is fairly new to me. Previously, I would have considered myself a fairly empathic person, able to communicate with people on many levels, polite and non-judgemental, respectful. However, reading the book has highlighted many areas where this was not always the case. For example, when talking over a problem with a friend, out of a desire to help, I have the tendency to try to find solutions or suggest things that she should do to make the situation better, rather than just actively listening, supporting and understanding. Rosenberg points out that the word 'should' denies choice induces guilt. Why not replace "I should do x, y, z..." with "I choose to do..."? Slowly I am becomming more aware of the language I use when talking over sensitive issues with others. This is something I will continue to work on.

This week has highlighted my need for a greater understanding of communication in conflict resolution, potentially the most challenging skill to develop. After a seamless start to my job, I had not one, but two days of misunderstanding and disagreement with my Trainer that left me at least the second time, in tears with feelings of shame and embarrassment and on both occasions analysing and wondering how I could've handled things better. Many things may have contributed to a moment of emotional overload, the recent stresses and strains of our change of family life/home/job, or simply a desire for perfect harmony in this new working relationship. Certainly, my deeper interest in overcoming communication problems made this week all the more thought provoking.

Dim white noise

This has been a confusing time, my addled brain feels fuzzy and I don't feel very safe driving some days. Possibly risky because I'm driving close to 300 miles a week. However, as with most stressful episodes, I anticipate a return to normality and cerebral function in good time, so long as I allow myself to heal.

The aftermath of the au pair calamity has been more significant than expected, in terms of emotional saturation. Hard to shake off. Perhaps the timing of events has magnified things somewhat, with the move down to Devon and new job starting. However, I am no longer so harsh towards myself for perhaps being the instrument of so much disappointment for one person and their family. A thought came to me the other day: God helps those who help themselves. Neither is a belief in a divine being a pre-requisite for this to apply. Allowing for a little adjustment for being away from home for the first time, the dogged determination to get to the UK for better opportunity should follow with a demonstration of that will and initiative to take on the challenges that present themselves - a physical demonstration, not merely words.

My faith in human nature has been shaken, although not broken. Trust and acceptance are still there, but hardened is my determination to listen more closely to my instinct. She has proven me wrong before and when I have surrendered to her nagging insistence, the release has been exhilarating. Hence, was born an 'attachment parent', but that is another wonderful story.

Our new au pair is arriving soon. My hope is renewed for William and our family unit. Meantime, my champion mama continues to set aside her own life for us in caring for William full time, and making it so easy for me.

Now in Devon

As it has been a while since posting, I am in grave danger of saturating any reader's attention within a moment of reading due to, what I perceive is a sheer volume of things to report.

The end of July saw changes in William's childcare, graduation, packing up to move to Devon, news from the bank that letting our house has been approved, changing our car and scrappage of our faithful old Megane, and finally, a van ride down to beautiful Devon for the start of our new chapter in life.

These events, all concentrated into only about 2 weeks, caused an immense plethora of feelings and anxieties in me, which are finally now retreating slowly into the past as the joys of pastures new take hold.

Our new au pair arrived about a week before the planned move to Devon. He and William began to get to know one another, however, as each day passed, I became more and more anxious for the task ahead. Knowing I would not be able to oversee the introduction to childcare/cookery/household tasks and all that encompasses, I worried more and more for the situation William would be in and for my own ability to go to work knowing things would be well-taken care of at home. Our situation demanded more than the average au pair would normally be expected to cope with, although I could not be blamed for not making this clear from the outset. Our ways of living were turning out to be too disparate, and so we ended the agreement, days before I was due to start work. All this challenged my desire to be fair and generous toward others - I asked God for this, He presented me with a situation, and I finally had to admit that I couldn't handle what I had asked for.

The move. Having been given the miraculous news that the bank had approved our application to let our house in Liverpool, I began to think about what we needed to pack for the year ahead, what could be left behind, and what could go into storage. This did make packing somewhat more time consuming, however, moving day came, a van was hired and everything loaded, including William, au pair, and myself (driving). Raj was to remain up North for work until the weekend. A long drive down south and we all arrived and were warmly welcomed by Raj's parents, in whose house we would now live for the year.

A further journey back to Liverpool is planned for the end of August to empty the remaining belongings, prepare the house for letting and hand over the keys. I am saying my prayers about this. Not least because we still don't know whether Raj has been successful at gaining the fellowship in Liverpool, even now - on the point of moving out completely and changing the bills over. I am feeling unsettled about this, especially as somewhere like Sweden is looking like a much more attractive prospect for the next year...

The start to my new job has exceeded all my expectations, which, when combined with the sublime peace and tranquility of our new home, speeds on the healing. William is so happy to have the freedom to play outside, and have so many family members around when I cannot be (my mum is here to help while my search for a new au pair continues). I am beginning to love life again.

July update

Well, I've not had much time and energy to write something here for some months.. Let's see, I got over the last few weeks of dental school and passed finals, although it all seems like a whirlwind in the past now. The most stressful moments were in March and April applying for jobs and facing rejection after rejection in Merseyside. This was demoralising in many ways because some of the jobs were mediocre at best. However, I took my chances in the southwest and had 3 offers, 2 of which came on my birthday. What a birthday present! After some long and hard discussions with Raj, we decided I should accept a job near Exeter. That way, at least if we would be living apart again for a while, then at least I would have the support of family around - Raj's parents, as well as some of my own family in Somerset.

Prior to my applications to the SW deanery, Raj had his fellowship interview in the pipeline. In fact, this was also close to my birthday. We knew we would not know the outcome for at least a month, perhaps longer due to the delays caused by The Ash Cloud. (It is July now and we still do not know, although are assuming the negative.) For the present, he continues research at Sheffield.

So, fortuitous events have changed our immediate directions somewhat. I try to embrace such vicissitudes with optimism, preferring to assume perhaps a divine hand in all this.

We now face questions about what to do about our house in Liverpool. Such gloom in the market will make a potential sale, although very welcome, not come quickly or at a price to our liking. Watch this space.

In the meantime, I am busying myself with cleaning, tidying, painting and bundling things up for charity. I don't yet know quite how much of our belongings to take down to Devon, but this blessed free time has given me complete focus to go through everything, drawer by drawer, cupboard to cupboard. I am not sure why I become so driven by this, but I gain great satisfaction from knowing exactly where everything is, that there are no unwanted items there and that it is all clean, neat and put away. (...perhaps a little the threat of the estate agents coming around to value the house) William has been a star trooper throughout this mission, tolerating my long spells of inattentiveness.

All the while the parenting journey continues, and I continue to devour book after book affirming my instincts and giving me new ideas to try out. No one could have told me it's not so much about raising William, but about changing and growing within oneself in such deep and fundamental ways. Many ideas have been alien to me throughout my 'old life' (prior to motherhood), but now resonate deeply, as though they had lain buried in my core, waiting for this moment to come. And wow, what a wonderful discovery I have made, within myself. So, I now see challenges as opportunities to grow. More on this later...

It never rains. It POURS.

6 case reports. Deadline next Friday and potentially only 1 afternoon left to write them in unless I work in the evenings. However, nothing like a deadline to concentrate the mind.

I've had a fairly dull week in A&E, until today that is. As dentists, the GDC require us to understand how to manage an acute medical emergency, so we get placed in A&E to watch and learn. So far, it has been the usual fare, elderly falls and drunks. Today I experienced my first full-on cardiac arrest and soaked it all up. I've never seen someone look so grey before, and the whole performance, although carried out with some urgency, was rather protracted, over 2 hours or so before transfer to ICU for cooling. And that was after 45 mins of CPR prior to arrival in hospital. It was a suspected electrocution, but later decided more likely to be MI. He was in asystole when the paramedics arrived, fluttered in and out of arrest in Resus and went to ICU with a very poor outlook. I'll check up on him tomorrow. Quite harrowing for a time.

Myocardial infarcts are on the cards for me at the moment. Dad experienced his first one, just days before his 80th birthday the other day. Fortunately, a couple more stents and he's soldiering on again.

While I was there today, one of the cardiac team was summoned and something rang a bell in the back of my mind when the name was mentioned. The consultant on call arrived and sure enough, there was a friendly familiar face from a decade ago. I was working in the Cardiology Department at Blackpool Victoria Hospital then, an unrewarding and stressful post when Dr H was a Reg there. I said hello and he did a double take! He seemed genuinely pleased to remember me and see that I as no longer constrained to such an unrewarding capacity. A hint of encouragement.

Life and death. A flash from the past.

After the snow

I finally find a moment to write a little. The snow in Liverpool has melted, sadly, revealing a huge amount of litter scattered all over the street. (There are those in my neighbourhood who don't believe in using bins.)

Last term at dental school was insane. Two placements, which were disappointing, and some reports to write as well as continuing clinical activities. The term ended with an Elective Conference, where everyone presented their elective projects, either as a talk, or poster. My talk flew by in a whirlwind. I wasn't exactly nervous, until a few minutes beforehand, and then only that I wouldn't make myself clear. Sadly, I don't think 'breastfeeding and dental caries' is everyone's cup of tea. A few encouraging comments afterwards though.

Christmas was a lovely break, full of viruses for us. We spent evenings by the fire down at the in-laws' place in the West Country and were, happily, trapped inside for some days as we dared not venture out for the treacherous ice on the roads. Christmas Day, hubby, Wills, mum and I took a cautious walk to Bury, a local village. No one slipped, but there were a few close calls, and we stood and gawped at a Volvo estate driver trying to get up a small hill but making no progress whatsoever, until finally his car limped away, wing mirror hanging loose, back in the direction from which they came.

The return to school in the new year was not welcome for me, still feeling somewhat tired after the bug. My first day I had nothing timetabled, but on the Tuesday, I was due in for a surgical session in the afternoon when the heavy snow started to fall. I made it into the dental school to find students pouring out saying clinics had been cancelled. Not wanting to lose out on my hard-won MOS session I lingered to see what was going on. Lecturers were confabulating in the corridor. Apparently, the university was closing, so no student activity was to take place. This was a little disappointing, since I only get one MOS session per year, and the patient had taken the trouble to come in too. By a stroke of good fortune, the lecturer allowed the teaching session to go ahead and, despite the decree from on high, I was able to carry out the procedure myself. Got to grab em with both hands when ya can.

In the end, university remained closed for the rest of the week, so I had fun reorganising Will's toys and rearranging the lounge anew. No studying was done, whatsoever!

This term is set to be a rollercoaster, albeit a little tamer than the last one. This is my last term before the big Revision sets in. (I'm starting in 9 weeks). A few block weeks interspersed with normal clinical activity in the main: dental A&E, paediatrics, IV sedation, A&E at the Royal, and a few more case reports to write. Only 8 weeks til we meet the VT trainers and make our impressions. There are 48 places on Merseyside and 85 or so of us graduating, so I need to make a really good impression because I only want to work part-time!