The last 3 and a half weeks have been a rough ride at an uncomfortable time in the pregnancy. I was all set to finish work for maternity leave on 2 December when, after William had been home with a virus earlier that week, I then became more ill than I have been for many years, if ever. At first, my usual defiant self regarded this viral assault as a mere nuisance, something to be brushed aside and gotten on with, but the week defeated me and I did not return to work. Raj must have thought the same initially as his level of sympathy was none too high at this point.
The next 2 weeks saw me largely confined to my bed and desperation at my not being able to reach for the usual analgesia available to a non-pregnant woman. Worries about another pre-term delivery preoccupied me. Twice in the night I woke with severe abdominal pain which necessitated two calls (and 1 visit) to the emergency out-of-hours GP and a visit to the Womens' Hospital for CTG monitoring recommended by the midwife. These did little to raise my spirits, as the pain was largely muscular in origin, a result of the relentless coughing, made worse by these muscles being already stretched around the growing baby. I am not entirely convinced that I have not suffered some torsion of the bowel, however, as a deeper visceral discomfort remains, and I can but wait until the delivery to know if this will resolve itself in time. Although my spirits are now much brighter at the general and welcome improvement, the muscles of my left chest wall are still very tender, imposing a limit on deep breathing, another concern in the last days of the pregnancy.
I think I am ready to accept what will be, although becoming ill and the continuing persistent cough have been a blow to my pregnancy. Fortunately, Raj was able to give an incredible amount of support in the end, especially with William, and I am profoundly grateful for that.
23 December 2011
29 November 2011
Birth Preparation
Since learning of this pregnancy many months ago, I have been on a journey of preparation for the new birth in our family. Things were fairly low-key at the start, as mainly I concentrated on finishing off my Vocational Training in Devon and wondered about starting a new job back in Liverpool. All that is done now. However, my primary aim throughout was (and is) to engage in a natural approach to pregnancy and childbirth. A couple of books I read early on helped to channel my thoughts, most notably:
1) Ina May Gaskin "Guide to Childbirth" - an excellent and inspiring book, narrated in a modest style with wonderful stories of natural births and encouraging statistics.
2) Dr Gowri Motha "Gentle Birth Method" - I enjoyed reading this book but found aspects to it a little onerous because I was left with a feeling of having to make a huge commitment to so many activities in order to succeed at my healthy pregnancy and birth. One might argue, at such a unique time in life, there are many things to do to make it the most meaningful experience, however, with one young child and a full-time job (until August), and a husband in another city, this aim was unrealistic for me.
Since William's birth, I always wondered on how best to make a connection with my inner self that allowed me to achieve that deep focus needed to make labour and birth calm and free from fear and distress. I have almost completed a course in hypnobirthing which has given me some tools that will help me to achieve this. It has certainly given me confidence in my body's ability to work harmoniously, rather than antagonistically. I feel more able to promote the release of endorphins as opposed to adrenaline, and can achieve deeper levels of relaxation more easily.
This all makes perfect sense, as my training early on in medicine and physiology would support this. However, despite that knowledge, I often wonder about the general direction taken by the medical establishment in the management of labour and birth. ....But that is a story for another day.
The book that has accompanied me on my hypnobirthing training:
3) Marie Mongan "Hypnobirthing"
A good compliment to the hypnobirthing has been a pregnancy yoga course, almost completed with one more session this weekend. I have engaged a doula to be a companion and assistant to me in labour and birth. She is wonderfully calm, kind and motherly. She will be able to assist with some of the relaxation techniques since she has 'grown up' with me on the hypnobirthing course.
All in all, I am almost ready - just the last few details to arrange (nesting details) and I am more confident we will achieve the peaceful home waterbirth that I hope for.
1) Ina May Gaskin "Guide to Childbirth" - an excellent and inspiring book, narrated in a modest style with wonderful stories of natural births and encouraging statistics.
2) Dr Gowri Motha "Gentle Birth Method" - I enjoyed reading this book but found aspects to it a little onerous because I was left with a feeling of having to make a huge commitment to so many activities in order to succeed at my healthy pregnancy and birth. One might argue, at such a unique time in life, there are many things to do to make it the most meaningful experience, however, with one young child and a full-time job (until August), and a husband in another city, this aim was unrealistic for me.
Since William's birth, I always wondered on how best to make a connection with my inner self that allowed me to achieve that deep focus needed to make labour and birth calm and free from fear and distress. I have almost completed a course in hypnobirthing which has given me some tools that will help me to achieve this. It has certainly given me confidence in my body's ability to work harmoniously, rather than antagonistically. I feel more able to promote the release of endorphins as opposed to adrenaline, and can achieve deeper levels of relaxation more easily.
This all makes perfect sense, as my training early on in medicine and physiology would support this. However, despite that knowledge, I often wonder about the general direction taken by the medical establishment in the management of labour and birth. ....But that is a story for another day.
The book that has accompanied me on my hypnobirthing training:
3) Marie Mongan "Hypnobirthing"
A good compliment to the hypnobirthing has been a pregnancy yoga course, almost completed with one more session this weekend. I have engaged a doula to be a companion and assistant to me in labour and birth. She is wonderfully calm, kind and motherly. She will be able to assist with some of the relaxation techniques since she has 'grown up' with me on the hypnobirthing course.
All in all, I am almost ready - just the last few details to arrange (nesting details) and I am more confident we will achieve the peaceful home waterbirth that I hope for.
14 November 2011
Mother's Blessingway II
I decided to make the necklace to wear on the birth day in view of the lovely green pendant from my cousin. The several additional beads at the top of the necklace used to make it long enough were from old and broken, but much-loved creations of my own.
12 November 2011
Mother's Blessingway 12-11-11
A mother's blessingway is a gathering of women (although men aren't strictly excluded) to wish a mother-to-be well on her way into motherhood. Originally, the ceremonial aspects arose from a Navajo tradition, being, I believe, significant to the first-time mother, a girl becoming a woman.
As I enjoy the communion of female friends (and one or two family members!) and wanted to do something to celebrate this special time, I read about the concept and arranged my gathering of women to fall at a 'powerful' time, in the month and in my pregnancy: as close to the full moon as possible, one day after 11-11-11 (considered significant by some), 33 weeks to the day. Seven of my closest female friends and my cousin, all mothers themselves, and as a last minute surprise, my own mum, all came over for the afternoon.
We shared poems and stories of uplifting experiences. Many of us were in tears at the depths of emotion we shared together, some even revealing very personal and difficult circumstances, interlaced with the joy of celebrating our children. This has resonated with me very deeply.
Everyone brought beads, which I plan to string together to make a bracelet for myself to wear on the day of my baby's arrival, and one for the baby. A few did some 'birth art' which, along with the stories and poems, will form part of a scrapbook, that I will cherish.
Just for fun, I gave everyone a pebble or stone found at the beach that I had had lots of fun painting small pictures on after William's bedtime over the last few days. Everyone selected one at random from a bag. I painted whatever came into my mind, and it seemed that the pebbles found their rightful owners - in a sense, that each choice, though random, seemed somehow appropriate.
Finally, everyone also brought a small piece of fabric, a scrap, but with some significance to each bearer: a piece of a scarf from Nepal, part of a skirt from Thailand, a baby's tiny comfort blanket, amongst others, that will all be pieced together to form a quilt for the baby, something for her (or him) to cherish. This made my mum's presence all the more of a nice surprise, since it is she with her clever needlework skills that will make the quilt. Somehow, this gives the feeling that a circle is completed.
Today has been a very uplifting and spiritually affirming day.
As I enjoy the communion of female friends (and one or two family members!) and wanted to do something to celebrate this special time, I read about the concept and arranged my gathering of women to fall at a 'powerful' time, in the month and in my pregnancy: as close to the full moon as possible, one day after 11-11-11 (considered significant by some), 33 weeks to the day. Seven of my closest female friends and my cousin, all mothers themselves, and as a last minute surprise, my own mum, all came over for the afternoon.
We shared poems and stories of uplifting experiences. Many of us were in tears at the depths of emotion we shared together, some even revealing very personal and difficult circumstances, interlaced with the joy of celebrating our children. This has resonated with me very deeply.
Everyone brought beads, which I plan to string together to make a bracelet for myself to wear on the day of my baby's arrival, and one for the baby. A few did some 'birth art' which, along with the stories and poems, will form part of a scrapbook, that I will cherish.
Just for fun, I gave everyone a pebble or stone found at the beach that I had had lots of fun painting small pictures on after William's bedtime over the last few days. Everyone selected one at random from a bag. I painted whatever came into my mind, and it seemed that the pebbles found their rightful owners - in a sense, that each choice, though random, seemed somehow appropriate.
Finally, everyone also brought a small piece of fabric, a scrap, but with some significance to each bearer: a piece of a scarf from Nepal, part of a skirt from Thailand, a baby's tiny comfort blanket, amongst others, that will all be pieced together to form a quilt for the baby, something for her (or him) to cherish. This made my mum's presence all the more of a nice surprise, since it is she with her clever needlework skills that will make the quilt. Somehow, this gives the feeling that a circle is completed.
Today has been a very uplifting and spiritually affirming day.
1 October 2011
Oh why am I suffering from such a sweet tooth...?
In the last year or so, after the major demands of breastfeeding William had waned to a minimum, I found my cravings for sweet things had taken a welcome dramatic downturn, probably for the first time I can remember. However, the growing baby is driving me to distraction now with cravings for the most inappropriate foods. Every day I find myself eating the trashiest sweet food (ie sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, and then not-so-trashy ice cream) and lamenting not only the nutrition for the baby and myself but the state of my teeth, which I diligently clean, floss, bathe in mouthwash etc. Sadly, I fully expect this trend to continue well into the first year of the baby's life when we hit the ground running with breastfeeding, not to mention, having eyes in the back of my head with a 4 year-old around to care for. (It is quite tough dying to eat something totally naughty when you are trying to set a good example for a young child. And, it won't be long before I have to get craftier with my hiding places.)
I am a slave to my pregnancy! 27 weeks today and I can't imagine the next 10+ weeks. For the most part, the rest of my diet is healthy/fresh/varied, although I must learn to eat more frequent small meals....
I am a slave to my pregnancy! 27 weeks today and I can't imagine the next 10+ weeks. For the most part, the rest of my diet is healthy/fresh/varied, although I must learn to eat more frequent small meals....
17 September 2011
Back home and autumn approaches
Settling back into our house in Liverpool once again. The contrast is stark: coming from remote, rural Devon to the downbeat neighbourhood just 2 1/2 miles from the city centre of Liverpool requires some adjustment of thought. Looking back on the year away has left me with interesting emotions that I hadn't expected. I had always dreamt of a life in the countryside, however, I am so happy to be home, even if all the neighbours are crazy, drunk or on drugs. I guess there are still some raw feelings left over from living in close quarters with family and the delicate balance that requires, along with the relentless quest that was work, which, I am happy to say, is now at a more realistic level.
William has started nursery school at the Everton Nursery School and Family Centre and he loves it. The nursery school is rated Ofsted Outstanding and has won local awards, which, despite my reluctance to base my initial curiosity on a government rating, I have to say, it is pretty well organised and their facilities are excellent.
Family time is so much more delightfully 'ordinary' now that we are all under one roof, living, working and playing in the same city, which for Raj and myself is the first time in about 7 years. My nesting instincts are as fierce as ever (when I say nesting, it is really an intolerance of disorder and discomfort) and I have enjoyed making our home again and look forward to little projects here and there to make it more lovely. Spending time together doing simple things is now free of guilt or anxiety about time and distance.
Tea in Mello Mello cafe
24 May 2011
Changes afoot II
Sadly, I have not been as attentive to updating this diary as I would have liked. And, it is largely for the benefit of consolidating my own thought processes and consigning mainly difficult moments to history, so in theory, it should help to do it more...
I have struggled on with my part-time mothering and full-time working, always with the view in sight that it would end. Soon. (the full-time work, I mean...) 2 months to go and I feel like I never want to do it again. There have even been times that I have questioned my choice of vocation and all the training and expense that has gone by for it all. I find myself, 34 years old, theoretically in my prime but feeling distinctly past it sometimes. A chronic tiredness seeping into my core. That all sounds so negative, because most days, I love what I do. I just can't do it all and remain in charge of myself at the same time.
So, with changes on the horizon, I could rephrase my negative thinking to sound like:
1) A new job to look forward to, close to the family home, just 2.5 days a week with a comfortable and achievable contract.
2) Moving home again - returning to Liverpool to, once again, live in the family home, as a family, so no more ridiculous travelling for Raj...
And, most importantly,
3) A new baby, due on New Year's Eve
Afraid of the uncertainties about the job, about the stress of moving again, and returning to a neighbourhood riddled with antisociality and low aspirations, sometimes the prospects are overwhelming.
So, I must challenge myself not to be afraid.
26 February 2011
Defiance
Almost a week of 'relaxation' at home alone with William has renewed my strongest sense of motherhood. Work seems so far away at these times, even though we occupy most of our time by doing simple things at home. Yesterday, a rainy day spent indoors, I started singing a song, as I quite often do, and William seemed very eager to know what it was. (It was The Fortunes: Here Comes that Rainy Day Feeling Again.) So, we found it on the internet and for the rest of the day it was played over and over, almost to distraction. It is heartening to see a love of music in William because it is something we all share in our family. I had to take William shoe shopping the other day and he was singing at the top of his lungs while we ambled along through Exeter city centre. This, being something I am used to, was no cause for embarrassment or self-consciousness on my part, although I did notice people smiling to themselves. Part of me hopes he will never lose that complete lack of inhibition.
This week has allowed me to observe more closely William's habits and development, with surprising moments, as well as a few challenges. His capacity for imaginary nonsensical stories or embellishment and mixing of facts around a genuine and interesting occurrence is astounding. Since Raj's last departure involved taking a rail replacement bus service up to Taunton, William talked non-stop about broken down trains and works on the line. Then, when the reason for my absense from work was explained to him (a technical failure caused by, none other than, a mouse!), he took great pleasure in expounding the whole story to Granjool (his grandma) over the phone.
Having me around more, he seemed calmer, more co-operative and a real joy to be around most of the time. My heavy working schedule seems to have taken its toll on my creativity in gently managing his behaviour challenges, usually because I am tired and rushed. Last night though, in an act of sheer defiance at bedtime, he turned the computer on after all was closed down for the night and bedtime orders were issued. He looked at me as if to say, "What are you going to do about it then?". As I was lost for adequate words I just expressed my anger and sat there somewhat bewildered. Eventually he turned it off and came to bed, the incident now confined to the past and to be ruminated on by me as a ?parenting fail ?inevitable challenge ?just one of those things ?what can I learn from it....
I am in a continual search for strategies, that seem to change daily with growth and development. Now, where's that magic bullet.....
This week has allowed me to observe more closely William's habits and development, with surprising moments, as well as a few challenges. His capacity for imaginary nonsensical stories or embellishment and mixing of facts around a genuine and interesting occurrence is astounding. Since Raj's last departure involved taking a rail replacement bus service up to Taunton, William talked non-stop about broken down trains and works on the line. Then, when the reason for my absense from work was explained to him (a technical failure caused by, none other than, a mouse!), he took great pleasure in expounding the whole story to Granjool (his grandma) over the phone.
Having me around more, he seemed calmer, more co-operative and a real joy to be around most of the time. My heavy working schedule seems to have taken its toll on my creativity in gently managing his behaviour challenges, usually because I am tired and rushed. Last night though, in an act of sheer defiance at bedtime, he turned the computer on after all was closed down for the night and bedtime orders were issued. He looked at me as if to say, "What are you going to do about it then?". As I was lost for adequate words I just expressed my anger and sat there somewhat bewildered. Eventually he turned it off and came to bed, the incident now confined to the past and to be ruminated on by me as a ?parenting fail ?inevitable challenge ?just one of those things ?what can I learn from it....
I am in a continual search for strategies, that seem to change daily with growth and development. Now, where's that magic bullet.....
18 January 2011
Where am I
This working malarky has its challenges. At least, the most challenging aspect is not work at all, but family. I love my job. I love my family, just that little bit more. This week has been the start of a test for me, for us all, in fact. William has made the transition into outside childcare, that is, childcare outside the home. Our lovely childminder has eased that transition and eased my conscience. He is also attending the local C of E primary school nursery group. However, Raj is away this week, back at work in Sheffield, so William and I are coping with not just getting me up and out of the house by 7 am every day, but William also.
William's propensity for late nights had been worrying me prior to this. Rightly so, it seemed. Yesterday we got the week off to a good start, but this morning saw the first cracks appearing. Tiredness catching up with him, and him waking early than I had planned (hoped). I collected him this evening at 6.45 pm, and all was well until arriving home. I suggested that we could listen to the Fleet Foxes in the house instead of the car because it was 1.5 degrees outside and I needed to light the fire. This was all too much.
8.15 pm and finally asleep... How will tomorrow at 6.45 am turn out?
I am enjoying the early mornings myself, although 5.45 am in these weeks where Raj is away is a bit earlier than I would like. Our very existence just seems to be functioning at the most basic level, sleep, eat, get to work, get home, get to bed...... Fortunately, after much soul searching, this untenable situation will not continue past July as I will look for a cozy little job working as little as possible. Any further training for me will have to wait.
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