This has been a confusing time, my addled brain feels fuzzy and I don't feel very safe driving some days. Possibly risky because I'm driving close to 300 miles a week. However, as with most stressful episodes, I anticipate a return to normality and cerebral function in good time, so long as I allow myself to heal.
The aftermath of the au pair calamity has been more significant than expected, in terms of emotional saturation. Hard to shake off. Perhaps the timing of events has magnified things somewhat, with the move down to Devon and new job starting. However, I am no longer so harsh towards myself for perhaps being the instrument of so much disappointment for one person and their family. A thought came to me the other day: God helps those who help themselves. Neither is a belief in a divine being a pre-requisite for this to apply. Allowing for a little adjustment for being away from home for the first time, the dogged determination to get to the UK for better opportunity should follow with a demonstration of that will and initiative to take on the challenges that present themselves - a physical demonstration, not merely words.
My faith in human nature has been shaken, although not broken. Trust and acceptance are still there, but hardened is my determination to listen more closely to my instinct. She has proven me wrong before and when I have surrendered to her nagging insistence, the release has been exhilarating. Hence, was born an 'attachment parent', but that is another wonderful story.
Our new au pair is arriving soon. My hope is renewed for William and our family unit. Meantime, my champion mama continues to set aside her own life for us in caring for William full time, and making it so easy for me.
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